alison_alice: (hiro)
Despite the fact that everything somethings a few things one thing  is going...moderately well in my life, I feel like I'm tipping into a well of depression. Or something. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. But I just feel like everything is out of my control. And everything that I want to do or be a part of or, anything!, is just beyond my ability and I can't just. Ugh. I can't even speak anymore. I just give up mid-sentence. And I just feel so alienated and lonely and overwhelmed which is just ridiculous, because I've never been so...underwhelmed in my life. I have virtually no responsibility and nothing in the world that I honestly have to do.

But I just feel so distanced from everything and I don't wanna be, but I don't know what to do to fix it and ugh! I just feel like crying. Like, almost always. I always feel one bad word, or rude comment, or wrong action away from bursting into tears or having an emotional breakdown or some other emotionally unstable reaction. It's like, I hate everything, except of course I don't and I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one I trust (which I've recently discovered (twice!) is indeed the truth) and I just. I don't know. I don't want this life. I want. I don't know what I want, but everything I try is wrong.

But, I do seem to be getting somewhere with my month-long interview process that. I'd have job. Which I like to be optimistic about, but I'm honestly just more apprehensive at the trouble it will cause me. But that's good news, I think, so. Yeah.
alison_alice: A girl holding the leash of a sitting doberman (doberman girl)
Gaaaaaaaaaaaah. Eet has been too long, dear Dreamwidth. I don't even remember the last time I posted here. Hang on... OMG APRIL 7. Wow. Well, I've been too busy to compose organized thought, so I'll create a simple summary instead. Er, sort of. I've graduated from college finally \o/ and am no longer employed at my old job (cuz I quit it, lol).

Ok, so the no job ting honestly isn't funny because I will need money relatively soon and without a job I have no way of getting it. But I've been home for, eh, about a week now, but my feelings of restlessness haven't subsided yet. I constantly feel...weird and purposeless and randomly sad. I don't know how to make it better, and I'm constantly frustrated that I have no...plan, no direction, no...guidance? Perhaps?

It's like...I'm just floating along and things are happening to me, but...not because I made them or want them to, but just because they are. I mean, I guess I never realized just what finishing school would really mean. I mean, for the past 17 years, I've identified as a student, and now I'm...nothing. Maybe that's the problem. I don't have a sense of identity. I'm not a worker, nor a student, I rarely feel like a friend, and only occasionally like a family member. I don't know myself and I've only recently had enough time and presence of mind to realize this. And now that I have... I feel hollow, or something. 

Ugh. I feel bad polluting the internet with all of this...bad feelings. I hope I get better :(


alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (Default)

October 2012

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