alison_alice: (hiro)
Despite the fact that everything somethings a few things one thing  is going...moderately well in my life, I feel like I'm tipping into a well of depression. Or something. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. But I just feel like everything is out of my control. And everything that I want to do or be a part of or, anything!, is just beyond my ability and I can't just. Ugh. I can't even speak anymore. I just give up mid-sentence. And I just feel so alienated and lonely and overwhelmed which is just ridiculous, because I've never been so...underwhelmed in my life. I have virtually no responsibility and nothing in the world that I honestly have to do.

But I just feel so distanced from everything and I don't wanna be, but I don't know what to do to fix it and ugh! I just feel like crying. Like, almost always. I always feel one bad word, or rude comment, or wrong action away from bursting into tears or having an emotional breakdown or some other emotionally unstable reaction. It's like, I hate everything, except of course I don't and I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one I trust (which I've recently discovered (twice!) is indeed the truth) and I just. I don't know. I don't want this life. I want. I don't know what I want, but everything I try is wrong.

But, I do seem to be getting somewhere with my month-long interview process that. I'd have job. Which I like to be optimistic about, but I'm honestly just more apprehensive at the trouble it will cause me. But that's good news, I think, so. Yeah.
alison_alice: A girl holding the leash of a sitting doberman (doberman girl)
Gaaaaaaaaaaaah. Eet has been too long, dear Dreamwidth. I don't even remember the last time I posted here. Hang on... OMG APRIL 7. Wow. Well, I've been too busy to compose organized thought, so I'll create a simple summary instead. Er, sort of. I've graduated from college finally \o/ and am no longer employed at my old job (cuz I quit it, lol).

Ok, so the no job ting honestly isn't funny because I will need money relatively soon and without a job I have no way of getting it. But I've been home for, eh, about a week now, but my feelings of restlessness haven't subsided yet. I constantly feel...weird and purposeless and randomly sad. I don't know how to make it better, and I'm constantly frustrated that I have no...plan, no direction, no...guidance? Perhaps?

It's like...I'm just floating along and things are happening to me, but...not because I made them or want them to, but just because they are. I mean, I guess I never realized just what finishing school would really mean. I mean, for the past 17 years, I've identified as a student, and now I'm...nothing. Maybe that's the problem. I don't have a sense of identity. I'm not a worker, nor a student, I rarely feel like a friend, and only occasionally like a family member. I don't know myself and I've only recently had enough time and presence of mind to realize this. And now that I have... I feel hollow, or something. 

Ugh. I feel bad polluting the internet with all of this...bad feelings. I hope I get better :(
alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (Default)
All of a sudden I stop doing everything anywhere with anyone and I drop off the face of the planet. Except for school and work, of course, but neither of those things count. But whatever. It's nearing the end of the semester (2, maybe 3 weeks left? I'm excited) and although I'm grateful, things are piling up, as they tend to do, and school is becoming very pressing. Unfortunately, work is taking up so much time that completing my schoolwork is becoming very difficult.

On a (very!) good note, I (should) definitely be graduating this summer. That is, I'm good to go for registering for all classes and (icing on the cake here) I'll only be taking three classes at a time for any given point. August feels so far away, but at the same time not. But at least I'll meet my goal of graduating before I'm 22, so that's good.

Recently I've thought that I really have no interest in accounting, but I'm starting to think that I might try to get an internship somewhere and try it out. See if I like it. Culinary school, of course, remains a tempting specter, but I don't know; paying for it is, ugh. I definitely won't be getting any more loans for anything if I can help it, so I'd have to be paying my way through school. And I have a crippling incapacity to continue doing something that I don't honestly have to or that I don't love (read: work). So that might not work. I still want to work in a bakery, of course, and I've learned recently that food interests me almost more than anything.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wish high school was more comprehensive. If I'd known that I was so interested in food earlier, I wouldn't have wasted all this time in college, or at least I would have studied something more relevant. But whatever! I can't change the past so there's no reason for me to sit agonizing over it. Ah~ culinary school...

I'm avoiding homework right now that I only have 30 minutes to complete anyway, so I think I'm gonna go do that. I hope I don't get an irredeemably bad grade on this assignment
alison_alice: Tegoshi looking forward smiling slightly (tegoshi)
I'm on Spring Break, but I think I'm just as busy as usual. I have two (three?) tests the week I get back and I need to finalize my competition speech and *drumroll please* I have a job now! Which is also great since I lost, uh, around 70% of all of my money because I had to unexpectedly get all my tires replaced and the front end of my car realigned (whatever that means) yesterday. So, I suddenly am back to super-scrimping until I start getting paid at my job.

But amid all of this, I'm still managing to while away the hours (by which I mean "waste" them) by, of all things, cooking. Not baking, cooking. Well...I did make some strawberry shortcake yesterday, but that doesn't really count because I was trying to use up the strawberries my mother had bought. And I am making pie crust today, but that doesn't count because it's gonna be part of a chicken pot pie, so, yeah. But tomorrow, oh ho ho, I will be forcing this beautiful dish down my family's unknowing throats. Assuming I'm home in time to make it properly. Or whatever.

I need to graduate. I can't handle all of this school crap. I'm so hungry. I'm gonna go make some eggs while I Internet and watch Gordon Ramsay yell at Americans.


alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (Default)

October 2012

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