alison_alice: (hiro)
Despite the fact that everything somethings a few things one thing  is going...moderately well in my life, I feel like I'm tipping into a well of depression. Or something. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. But I just feel like everything is out of my control. And everything that I want to do or be a part of or, anything!, is just beyond my ability and I can't just. Ugh. I can't even speak anymore. I just give up mid-sentence. And I just feel so alienated and lonely and overwhelmed which is just ridiculous, because I've never been so...underwhelmed in my life. I have virtually no responsibility and nothing in the world that I honestly have to do.

But I just feel so distanced from everything and I don't wanna be, but I don't know what to do to fix it and ugh! I just feel like crying. Like, almost always. I always feel one bad word, or rude comment, or wrong action away from bursting into tears or having an emotional breakdown or some other emotionally unstable reaction. It's like, I hate everything, except of course I don't and I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one I trust (which I've recently discovered (twice!) is indeed the truth) and I just. I don't know. I don't want this life. I want. I don't know what I want, but everything I try is wrong.

But, I do seem to be getting somewhere with my month-long interview process that. I'd have job. Which I like to be optimistic about, but I'm honestly just more apprehensive at the trouble it will cause me. But that's good news, I think, so. Yeah.


Sep. 12th, 2012 05:23 pm
alison_alice: (yamapi)
i have been rifling through the internet for the past couple of days reading crap about asexuality and crap and i am just so frustrated right now! all of this crap is too confusing and i can't figure any of it out and i keep worrying that i'm lying to myself just so i'll match up with all this crap i'm reading. and i can't figure out how i feel about people and i don't understand what sexual attraction is or how it differs from something being pretty or enticing or what the heck romantic feelings are or anything abstract and i just want my family and friends and i want to stop being so lost and sad and confused and i just want to be freaking normal. this sucks.  i think i'm gonna cry now. 
alison_alice: A girl holding the leash of a sitting doberman (doberman girl)
Gaaaaaaaaaaaah. Eet has been too long, dear Dreamwidth. I don't even remember the last time I posted here. Hang on... OMG APRIL 7. Wow. Well, I've been too busy to compose organized thought, so I'll create a simple summary instead. Er, sort of. I've graduated from college finally \o/ and am no longer employed at my old job (cuz I quit it, lol).

Ok, so the no job ting honestly isn't funny because I will need money relatively soon and without a job I have no way of getting it. But I've been home for, eh, about a week now, but my feelings of restlessness haven't subsided yet. I constantly feel...weird and purposeless and randomly sad. I don't know how to make it better, and I'm constantly frustrated that I have no...plan, no direction, no...guidance? Perhaps?

It's like...I'm just floating along and things are happening to me, but...not because I made them or want them to, but just because they are. I mean, I guess I never realized just what finishing school would really mean. I mean, for the past 17 years, I've identified as a student, and now I'm...nothing. Maybe that's the problem. I don't have a sense of identity. I'm not a worker, nor a student, I rarely feel like a friend, and only occasionally like a family member. I don't know myself and I've only recently had enough time and presence of mind to realize this. And now that I have... I feel hollow, or something. 

Ugh. I feel bad polluting the internet with all of this...bad feelings. I hope I get better :(
alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (Default)
All of a sudden I stop doing everything anywhere with anyone and I drop off the face of the planet. Except for school and work, of course, but neither of those things count. But whatever. It's nearing the end of the semester (2, maybe 3 weeks left? I'm excited) and although I'm grateful, things are piling up, as they tend to do, and school is becoming very pressing. Unfortunately, work is taking up so much time that completing my schoolwork is becoming very difficult.

On a (very!) good note, I (should) definitely be graduating this summer. That is, I'm good to go for registering for all classes and (icing on the cake here) I'll only be taking three classes at a time for any given point. August feels so far away, but at the same time not. But at least I'll meet my goal of graduating before I'm 22, so that's good.

Recently I've thought that I really have no interest in accounting, but I'm starting to think that I might try to get an internship somewhere and try it out. See if I like it. Culinary school, of course, remains a tempting specter, but I don't know; paying for it is, ugh. I definitely won't be getting any more loans for anything if I can help it, so I'd have to be paying my way through school. And I have a crippling incapacity to continue doing something that I don't honestly have to or that I don't love (read: work). So that might not work. I still want to work in a bakery, of course, and I've learned recently that food interests me almost more than anything.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wish high school was more comprehensive. If I'd known that I was so interested in food earlier, I wouldn't have wasted all this time in college, or at least I would have studied something more relevant. But whatever! I can't change the past so there's no reason for me to sit agonizing over it. Ah~ culinary school...

I'm avoiding homework right now that I only have 30 minutes to complete anyway, so I think I'm gonna go do that. I hope I don't get an irredeemably bad grade on this assignment
alison_alice: Tegoshi looking forward smiling slightly (tegoshi)
I'm on Spring Break, but I think I'm just as busy as usual. I have two (three?) tests the week I get back and I need to finalize my competition speech and *drumroll please* I have a job now! Which is also great since I lost, uh, around 70% of all of my money because I had to unexpectedly get all my tires replaced and the front end of my car realigned (whatever that means) yesterday. So, I suddenly am back to super-scrimping until I start getting paid at my job.

But amid all of this, I'm still managing to while away the hours (by which I mean "waste" them) by, of all things, cooking. Not baking, cooking. Well...I did make some strawberry shortcake yesterday, but that doesn't really count because I was trying to use up the strawberries my mother had bought. And I am making pie crust today, but that doesn't count because it's gonna be part of a chicken pot pie, so, yeah. But tomorrow, oh ho ho, I will be forcing this beautiful dish down my family's unknowing throats. Assuming I'm home in time to make it properly. Or whatever.

I need to graduate. I can't handle all of this school crap. I'm so hungry. I'm gonna go make some eggs while I Internet and watch Gordon Ramsay yell at Americans.
alison_alice: (futaba)
Honestly. It's ridiculous. There's no real reason for my fingers to even be able to feel this way. Even the slightest pressure hurts.  And yet I keep knitting. (Which is the cause of all of this in the first place.) Because I want to finish this hat and the next one. I'm supposed to see my friend  next Saturday and she's the only one I can dump these hats on, so I need to finish quickly. But it's wreaking havoc on my fingers. I always thought little needles were the ones to fear, but these are the largest needles I've used since I finished my dad's scarf in December!

Oh. So. I was avoiding Dreamwidth (kinda) initially because I was too busy being busy and panicking about my speech, and later because I still haven't gotten un-lazy enough to upload the pics of my dad's cake and The Sock. But I figure it's getting ridiculous at this point, so I might as well just come back here shamefaced, lol.

Regarding the speech, I got an A (yay!) and my professor thinks that with some improvement (although not that much~) I have a good chance of placing in the speech competition. I want to place. And I want that first place. Not because I'm competitive, and not even because I'm particularly passionate about my topic (although I kinda am). I want it because if I win, I'll have $100 to spend however I please. Including on gas for an expensive-ish trip to who-knows-where :D

I'm gonna go finish torturing my fingers now.

(I use the word "ridiculous" a lot. Lol.)
alison_alice: (yamapi)
I for real feel like an addict. Like, I'm randomly craving dc and asking people to buy it for me and stuff and gah. It's awful. Clearly, I decided to stop myself at the right time! I can only imagine how bad I'd be in a few years :/

Moving on, I made the cake! And it came out...meh? I wrote the wrong age on it (;-_-), I forgot to put frosting between the layers (;;-_-), and (apparently) neither the cake nor the icing were sweet enough (;;;-_-). Well, whatever. I'll get it right one day. I'm pretty sure I promised pics, but I'm too lazy to do that at this point, lol. But I will eventually. Hopefully within the next couple of days.

The Sock! Is complete!! I'm excited! In celebration (sort of, not really) I bought some needles 24" and 32" online today with a gift card Amazon gave me for trading in an old textbook. So when those show up, I'll start on the second pair of socks, hopefully all at once. In the meantime, I plan on finishing up some socks for a friend. I feel like I'll never knit a sock again after this! They're everywhere!! Oh, and I'll also add a pic of the sock when I do the cake (hopefully).

I had a job interview Friday and I think it went kinda well. Apparently it wasn't a "final" interview, but for once my limited schedule wasn't a problem. So I remain vaguely hopeful. Which is good, I guess, since I'm almost out of money again. 
alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (Default)
I don't know if I mentioned that, but I was really angry that I only got a 90 on my speech. But I got back the notes my professor took while he was watching my speech and I don't even care that I got a 90 anymore. I essentially got a glowing review and would have definitely gotten 100 if I hadn't rushed (but I was nervous!).

So whatever. I'm just super-happy now. Also, I'm posting this from school because 1) I'm at school, lol and 2) my internet at home is broken! It's honestly tragic. I feel so lost without the internet, but I'm coming to realize that I don't actually use it as much as I thought I do, lol. It's mostly just procrastinating from doing other things.

Oh, also! My dad's birthday is coming up and I'm gonna make a cake! I'm excited because I haven't done that lately (I think) and it should be fun. I will try to post a picture, but it might be hideous because I lost all my decorating tips a while back :/

Anyway! I have a test that I should be studying for. I want an A and I'll be pissed if I get anything less. >:|

alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (Default)
...from all the crying I've been doing because of this show. I feel like I don't even have words for it yet. It's just, the whole situation was so sad and inescapable. And everyone just kept getting more and more destroyed and to think that this could actually happen to people. I'm about to start crying again. Goodness.
alison_alice: Captain Kirk standing alone in an empty room (lonely kirk)
Only one isn't, but I don't even pay attention in that class so I'm certainly not gonna drive 20 miles and brave psychotic traffic just to sit there and not listen (not to mention the gas...). In better-but-still-not great news, my abject poverty has been temporarily relieved (and I didn't even have to borrow money from my parents!), but I'm still jobless. Irritatingly enough, that phone interview thing I had, I totally would've gotten the job if I didn't have school on Tuesdays. SO MUCH SUCKING. I honestly can't find a job. I don't know what I'm gonna do. :(

Also, I got a 90 on my speech. I wanted a 100 or at least a 95, but I'm pretty sure I didn't speak long enough. It makes me very sad. :/

Oh yeah! The Sock. I am working my way down the foot. I can't wait till I start decreasing the toes and I'll know IT'S ALMOST OVER. This thing is a monster; I think it's gonna use, like 40/50 grams of yarn I bought. I'm gonna post a picture of it when I finish. If I finish, lol. 
alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (Default)
Uh, wrong. But whatever, I'm not explaining because 1) my computer keeps randomly changing the active page while I type and 2) I already know what I'm talking about and (for all intents and purposes) I'm talking to myself, lol. But in better news! I'm pretty sure that I'll have enough gas to get myself out of town and back in and I managed to hang on to my last $20, so I can buy myself some food and a little more gas. I think if I limit the food bill to $5 I'll be able to go to school for another week with $15 in gas money. :D

In even better news, The Sock, as I've come to think of it, is coming along quite nicely (I guess). I'm starting the gusset, so in just a few inches I'll be done :D. I'm glad I discovered the awesome, peaceful, wonderfulness that is walking around a (mostly) deserted campus and knitting to oneself. I think it's becoming my favorite part of the day :) Maybe I should start taking walks...

In even better news, I have a phone interview (perhaps?) tomorrow morning. I really want this job! Hopefully my limited availability won't be an automatic "no" but, well...

I'm gonna go do some late-night homework now.
alison_alice: Two pictures of matsujun smiling with the text "Happy Birthday Jun" (birthday matusjun)
Which means that the speech outline I stayed up last night cobbling together is no longer immediately needed. But who cares!? No speech class! :D So the outline is now due Thursday and the speech isn't until next Tuesday. Yay~ More importantly, it means that I can leave my house a full 4 hours later. Which means 1) I get to eat breakfast and 2) I have time to finish learning about annuities. The second one is a lot less fun, but still important.

AND I HAVE A DREAMWIDTH ACCOUNT. Bwa ha ha. I don't know why this is so important to me, but it is. I think I'll change to a paid account as soon as I get a job. So...probably not for a while, lol. But still, today is shaping up to be a very \o/ day. :D
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